Thursday 3 February 2011

Sassys Self Therapy...

Well, I know i'm a day late with this too but I kind of bottled it yesterday....sorry!! 
I'll fill you in on a little background about me so you get a better understanding of where i'm coming from and why I feel the way I do.
As some of you may already know, my parents divorced when I was 2 and I lived with my mam, but visited my dad on weekends. I have always been blamed by my mam for the breakup of their marriage....even today!
Since I appeared to be the one to blame, my mam made my life a misery. Don't get me wrong, there were good times when I had a laugh and giggle with her and I always had material things, but she was a modern day equivalent of Jekyll and Hyde. The slightest thing could spark her off like leaving a door open or heaven forbid, disagreeing with her! This made life pretty difficult for me and I learnt from a young age how to tread on eggshells. Unfortunately, I still tread on eggshells with everyone rather than say how I really feel.....including my kids and partner.
Anyone who knows me, will say i'm confident, outgoing, sociable, friendly and considerate.......but they don't REALLY know me! 
For as long as I can remember, i've been told i'm useless, worthless, stupid, disappointing, ugly and too skinny....which is probably why I find it so hard to believe otherwise.
My other half constantly tells me i'm gorgeous and he loves me just as much as he did when we first met 17 years ago, but I always feel he's only telling me what he 'thinks' I want to hear, rather than the truth....after all, who would want someone like me??? 
I appreciate that many men and women feel exactly like I do, it all depends on how each individual chooses to deal with it.....and that's where i'm struggling. 
I avoid mirrors as much as possible as I hate the way I look, this is why you'll never see a picture of myself on here...especially close up! Don't get me wrong, I have tried. I've taken pics after applying creams/foundations etc, ready to blog about, but can never quite bring myself to post them! My eyes are about as much as you're getting (for now at least) and I even shudder at those. 
I looked at my body a few weeks ago and cried for hours......why can't I just be happy with me??
For some reason, I can't overlook everything my mam drummed into me whilst growing up and I feel that it's ruining my life now! My relationship is hard work....mainly on my partners side, as he's always having to reassure me, and that's not how I want things to be. I find it really difficult to make decisions too which causes problems. I'm so used to having options and choosing the 'wrong' one that i'd rather pass any decision making on to someone else....usually my partner!
Blimey, I must be pretty hard to live with after reading back through this but he's hung around for 17 years so I guess alot of it's in my head.
I'm now taking one day at a time and writing weekly updates on here.....hopefully it will help! I also hope that it may help anyone else stuck in similar circumstances to know that they're not alone.
Please feel free to leave any comments/advice/criticism/questions I appreciate others' opinions too. Well, i'll leave it at that for now, but i'll be back next week with a new update and hopefully a smile. xx 

1 comment:

  1. I've found my blog to be very helpful when ever I have needed to rant, clear something from my mind or just ramble away.

    The brave thing is writing it down and putting it out there.

    Proud of you x


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